I once counted 15 occasions when I said it within 24 hours. These sorry events included:
- A guy cutting into line at the local Starbucks. I asked him, semi-indignantly, "Sorry?"
- Someone spilling coffee on my shoe in the pantry. I said "Oh, sorry ..." as I helped find paper towels to wipe up my new, now soiled, suede heels.
- Not hearing a question asked of me at a meeting. I piped up "Sorry? Could you repeat that?"
- Reaching over to grab the communal report binder. "So-reeee," I trilled as my arm snaked over paper-strewn tables.
- A man taking my aisle seat on the plane. My way of asking him to move: "I'm so sorry, but that's my seat."
At one point in my career the word sorry, like the Invasion of the Body Snatchers, had taken over my vocabulary. It stood in for 'please', 'pardon me' or 'do you mind very much'. It shot out of my mouth whether it was my fault or not. In fact the more it wasn't my fault, the more I tended to preface each sentence with it.
Why?
Because 'sorry' is the ultimate non-confrontational word. Because we are wired to soften our phrases before delivering tough messages.
And in our constant unconscious quest not to be labeled as bitches, women tend to use the s word more often than they should -- even when it's laughably inappropriate. I once heard a female executive whose department was being taken over without her knowledge splutter, "I'm sorry, but you can't do that!"
Like crying and theatrics, saying sorry all the time erodes your credibility. It also cheapens the moments when saying it can be the most effective tool at your disposal.
While love means never having to say you're sorry, in the professional world the opposite is true. The best leaders, however, know when and how to deliver an apology for maximum gains, such as salvaging an account or repairing damaged relationships.
So be mindful of the times you say sorry. Use it sparingly and only when it can effect significant results. Don't apologise as a reflex in asking questions, writing emails or stating a verbal request.
Sorry is a word that carries incredible power. Use it to build, not diminish, yours.
FANTASTIC post! I can't even imagine attempting to acknowledge how many times I use the S word in a day. ...sounds like a challenge!
ReplyDeleteStarting today, I'm on a "conscious quest" to be labeled as a bitch and NOT use the S word all week!
I'll follow up with you and let you know how I do!
Looking forward to the number! Fifteen was excessive but with some mindful practice, I got it down significantly. My next challenge is to decrease, if not eliminate, prefacing each sentence with "Well, I think ..."
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post. I consider myself to be verbally mindful, but the word "sorry" is such a loaded word, and I'm going to be more conscious of it from now on.
ReplyDeleteGood resolution Jen! I don't think you're going to get anywhere near my flabbergasting 15 though. I still hold that as an all-time record!
ReplyDeleteInteresting post Alicia. I often use "excuse me" in some of the situations you described. I believe this is a result of having English as a second language for so many years. When I was learning it when I was in Poland, certain rules were instilled in me because they didn't have a direct translation into Polish. Hence I was always aware when using them.
ReplyDeleteI try to use "I'm sorry" only when actually apologizing and "excuse me" for times like invading someones personal space. =)
Good on you. English is also my second language but somehow 'sorry' crept into each sentence! Then again, we use 'sorry' in my native language (Filipino) too.
ReplyDeleteOMG and I actually had a tweet about that topic on April 13th. I don't say it unless I mean it. But I have no problem apologizing for something that indeed I was wrong about. However, everyone and their dog and their parrot in HK say I'm sorry...but they don't mean it!
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough habit to break isn't it Cristiane!? Keep up the good fight!
ReplyDelete